Creating Respect Around Your Children
By Paul Quinnell
Have you ever felt exasperated at the apparent lack of respect you receive from your child? Does it irk you that your child argues with you constantly or simply walks away while you are speaking? Does your child mix with peers of dubious behaviour? Are you having problems enforcing ‘house rules’? These are common questions that parents have when raising children. While the problems are manageable in your child’s early years, they can quickly escalate once your child reaches teen years. What is the root cause and how do you begin to address it?
RESPECT: To think highly of; to hold in high esteem or high regard; to take notice of; to regard with special attention; to regard as worthy of special consideration.
WIKIPEDIA: Respect is taking into consideration the views and desires of others and incorporating it into your decisions. Being truthful to people. When you respect another, you factor in and weigh others’ thoughts and desires into your planning and balance it into your decision-making.
What I hope to achieve herein is to raise your awareness of respect and it’s counterpart, disrespect. It is crucial that you re-sensitize yourself to respect so you can remain respectful even when you find yourself in situations that are not. Most people do a good job in being respectful. It is one of the mainstays of teaching in society and our school system has generally kept up on it. (In my school days, we had the cane, strap, and running shoe as deterrents to disrespect). You know how to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. You know how speak in terms that are gracious and proper. You likely have knowledge on how to criticize using the sandwich technique by pointing out good points, inserting areas of concern and concluding with supportive points. Being respectful to everybody and everything around you is a full time occupation. You have to decide if it is part of who you are, or want to be. If so, read on.
As humans, we have had the single most impact on our planet. We consider ourselves ‘evolved’ and ‘enlightened’. Even so, we see murders, muggings, scandal and abuse at the turn of each day. We have moved from the industrial age into the information age and in doing so each new generation we bring into the world is facing more and more of an onslaught of information. Not only that, existing older generations are trying to adapt to these changes on the fly. Stresses have never been higher and as of this year (2008), we have an economic downturn the likes of which we’ve never seen before in our lifetime. We are told each day to make do with less and produce more. This business mantra has gained a foothold in our homes and while we all struggle to do our best for our family we are under more and more pressure. This sometimes affects individuals to the point where they feel totally helpless, isolated, unsupported and they then ’snap’, causing untold grief for themselves and others around them.
These pressures affect how you conduct life at home and have a direct impact on your family. The way you handle our problems is extremely important. You can start by being respectful to everybody and most importantly, to yourself. To do this though means you have to have a solid grasp on what respect is and how it affects how you look at the world. We are only now just beginning to see that respect for our environment is a must and in order to get to a mindset where we can embrace such large issues, we must first be clear about what respect is, and how we must choose that path in order to move toward a better future for our family, community and species.
As with all things, it starts within and how you tackle day-to-day situations. Events crop up all the time and hopefully you have had sufficient teaching by your parents and field experience on how to be respectful in dealing with them. If your parents had a good grasp on respect, they taught you well. However, the pace of life has become faster in recent decades and you are expected to be more productive with your time.
Speaking of your parents, let’s pause a moment to examine the circle of life. We are born, raised by parents and exposed to society as we progress through our schooling and then take on a job or vocation. Then we often take on debts with car payments, house payments and if you get married and have children, you have responsibilities to raise them and provide for them. Then the cycle repeats. What is often lost here is information. If your family has two income earners, the time spent with your child is less, and precious information transfer is lost. Some of that would be teachings around respect. Instead of being verbal about it, your child will look for inferences. These may not always be from the parents’ behaviour. Your child may seek knowledge elsewhere. This may be friends, peers at school, TV, Internet, books, games, billboards, magazines or comics. Without parental guidance, children often lack the wisdom as to what information is relevant. As a parent you are the front line for protecting and guiding your child. Some signs that your child is not ‘getting it’, is when you have parent child conflict. That may be outright arguments, a disinterested attitude, or an angry or depressed disposition. It can be a rebellious behaviour such as ignoring curfew or resistance to schooling or doing household chores.
Not many people like to admit this, but our society runs on creating fear and scarcity. You can be punished for ‘wrong’ actions by losing your freedom, your money or even your family. Scarcity is also created so you seem to be constantly ’struggling’ just to survive, let alone thrive.
Not everybody is going to behave as you expect. As already stated, people are under most of pressure to perform and time is often in short supply. Things get cut in the race to achieve and the first to go is courteous respectful behaviour. Do you feel oppressed, put-upon or have fears surrounding your job? Do you have issues with your boss, a peer or an employee? Maybe you feel a lack of respect from them. There are a few people who feel this is the way to run society although most of us believe we should nurture, love and create abundance. (How you can create a better ‘working’ environment is a whole presentation in itself and not covered here). Being disrespected comes in many forms and as a society we have become numbed to when we are being affected by a lack of respect. If fear and scarcity are part of your worldview, perhaps you are feeling victimized by them. These stressors are your perceptions, which affect how you see life. They are indicators that you need some new tool to handle the situation.
Now how does this relate to your child? Our children rely on us to show them the way. If we are not able to be respectful and more importantly handle disrespectful situations, how can we ever hope to gain their respect? In short you as a parent have to know and live the tools before you can teach them. That lack shows up in your family through discourse and choices that your child picks up on. As a result your child will likely feel ill equipped to deal with life.
If your child is exhibiting signs of disrespect, this is likely a reflection of what is going on in life for you. Other signs are when you feel uncomfortable with your daily job. Maybe you have spousal conflicts. Take this as a lesson and examine how you run your life. Ask yourself ‘What are my needs here?’
Now you are more aware that your involvement is crucial in creating respect around your children, how do you proceed? What do you teach and how? What is required is to allot some time to developing a strategy that not only works for you, but also can be used by your entire family. There are books galore but these only help if you are clear on who you are in this moment. Often times an outside influence is required. Find somebody who already has skills in handling life and seek their guidance. That could be a coach, mentor, counselor or trusted friend.
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